Cursed Superpowers

Every power in this bracket came with a condition attached, and in each case the condition ruined it. You still have to keep one of them.

The joke works because the limits are all technically reasonable. Teleportation with a ten-foot range is genuinely teleportation. Telekinesis that tops out at the weight of a grape is genuinely telekinesis. Being able to stop time is remarkable until you notice that you are also stopped. Healing at triple speed is a real advantage right up to the point where you consider what would have to happen first for it to matter. Every entry is a superpower that a lawyer has been through carefully.

Counting them up gives thirty-two of them, and the framing is deliberately grim: pick the least broken rather than the best. What emerges is that the powers with a narrow but reliable use beat the impressive ones with a fatal clause almost every time. Two seconds of foresight is not much and it is two seconds you have every single day, which turns out to be a stronger argument than most of the spectacular options here.